The following article appeared in the newsletter (Winter 2002 edition) of the AboutFace USA organisation and is reprinted here with the kind permission of both the author and the AboutFace USA organisation. AboutFace USA is a non-profit organization dedicated to providing information, emotional support, and educational programs to individuals who have a facial difference, and to their families. The AboutFace international website can be found at www.aboutfaceinternational.org.
Autumn* is here and many school doors are opening for the new year. This is a time of anticipation and excitement for many; apprehension and worry for some. What this experience is like for your child in many ways is out of your control; however, there are ways that you can help your child make a good adjustment.
Before sending your child to school, educate her about
her facial difference. This education is best carried out in the context of a
childhood where talking about your child’s specific facial difference is as natural
as talking about the color of her hair or which outfit she will wear to school. In
my experience, the common thread seen in families where the child has done well is
the family’s ability to view the facial difference as one characteristic of the
child, which is no more important than any other. A child who can look in the mirror
and point to his nose, mouth, cleft lip scar, and hair with equal comfort will be
more at ease when faced with a question about his lip from a classmate. Thus the
emotional “weight” that is given to discussions of facial difference is critical in
influencing the attitude that your child develops regarding her facial
characteristics. Feelings of shame or pity have no place when discussing these
issues.
All children, regardless of age, need to have a simple
reply to the question, “What happened to your face (lip, nose, cheek, etc)?” How
children answer that question sets a tone for their interaction with peers. An
unselfconscious reply that provides simple but accurate information is the best
strategy. Confidence is reflected in your child’s ability to make eye contact, his
tone of voice, and his ability to convey an appreciation of the other child’s
interest in him. Educating your child in a matter-of-fact manner about the
importance of his being a “teacher” with the other children will help ease his
self-consciousness. He should be taught that many children are unfamiliar with his
medical condition and questions are often asked out of curiosity, not malice. You
also model appropriate responses each time you respond to questions from a teacher,
an acquaintance, or someone in the super market.
Success in school is at least in part related to a child’s feeling of social
acceptance. A child who has experienced acceptance and respect within her own family
is more likely to exhibit self-confidence in social situations. This acceptance
starts with a recognition and validation of your child’s feelings even when they are
different from your own. If your child is fearful of attending school, you will be
most helpful if you acknowledge that fear and communicate that you accept the fear
as reasonable. A simple statement such as, “Meeting the new kids at school is kind
of scary,” validates your child’s feelings and lets her know that you understand
where she is coming from. Repeated validation of a child’s feelings enhances
self-esteem because it allows a child to believe that her perceptions of the world
are rational. Feelings of esteem in turn foster self-confidence and enable your
child to engage her peers in positive social interactions.
Despite our best efforts most children, whether or not they have a facial
difference, encounter some teasing during their school years. A self-confident child
will recognize that this teasing occurs because of the other child’s needs and
weaknesses rather than allow the teasing to impact his own self-esteem. As parents
we foster this perception by teaching our child ways of responding to the teasing
that both preserve self-worth and increase our child’s feelings of confidence. To
this end, teach your child that teasers are generally looking for a reaction. They
want the teased child to feel bad, to entertain the teasers friends through a
reaction, or to behave in a way that gets the teased child in trouble. Your child
can deflect the teasing by refusing to give the desired response and instead
reacting in an unexpected way. Generally this means teaching your child to look at
the teaser directly and letting him know how he feels about
the teasing. Body language and tone of voice are very important when delivering a
response—often more important than the words that are used. A statement such as “I
don’t like being called names; I have better things to do than listening to your
taunts” delivered in a calm, but firm tone of voice that demands respect and
followed by your child’s determined movement toward a group of friendly classmates
will often deter the teaser. To be effective, children need to practice responding
to teasing in a safe environment, either at home or with a trusted teacher or
counselor at school.
Your child will face many adversities in life-not just because she has a facial
difference, but because she is a child. You will increase your child’s chances of
successful coping if you are able to stay connected with her. Listen and validate
her feelings. Avoid judging her but offer support as together you seek solutions to
the problems that she encounters. Additional resources for helping your child on
this journey include: Raising an emotionally intelligent child: The heart of
parenting by John Gottman, Simon and Schuster, New York, 1997; Your Child’s
Self-Esteem by Dorothy Corkille Briggs, Double Day and Co., Garden City, NY, 1975;
and the Internet site, kids@kids4kids1.com, which contains additional ideas for
handling bullies.
Kathy Kapp-Simon, Ph.D. is a paediatric psychologist currently working with the
Northwestern University Cleft Lip and Palate Institute. She has worked with children
who have facial differences for the past 25 years.
The more familiar term Autumn is used here instead of the American term Fall used in the original article.